My lips against the nape of his neck
hands lightly stroking his back
I would give up the world for that
What would have been if we hadn’t met?
I am a moth flying to his raging flame
only to get burnt over and over again
I’ll fly to him every time without a shame
Don’t you know there’s pleasure in pain?
In the midst of the unbearable chaos, he stood
Through the whirling darkness, the only good
Oh how I crave so deeply for his presence
Even if it means to just sit with him in silence
I know he isn’t mine to miss
and I shouldn’t be feeling like this
sometimes ignorance can be a bliss
but my soul constantly yearns for his
He thinks he hides those lies so well
or maybe I’m caught in a dillusional spell
As I stand here, between heaven and hell
what will become of us only time will tell
For so long I never could write of him
And of all this love and pain I’ve held in
Day by day, my light turned dim
till there was nothing but emptiness & sin
Today I finally picked up this pen
held in my breath until the count of ten
I must confess of this love & of the pain
drunk on courage, here I write again.
Your mouth tells one story, your eyes another
one bringing us closer than the other
Your gaze pierces my heart like swords
oh how I would love to taste the sweetness in your words
Can you live with not knowing what you miss
every time you let go of the moments like this
In your arms, in between each heart beat
my worries faded away from beneath my feet
I felt at peace even if the moment was brief
and the whole universe let out a sigh in relief
Your warmth filled up all the tears and cracks
of my tired, broken soul and all that it lacks
In your arms, I knew I had found my home
“Come back oh heart, there’s no need to roam”
While talking to a friend last night, I came to realise something. Something so insignificantly significant: An explanation for this emptiness and loneliness I’ve felt for so long.
I remember reading about Jalaluddin Rumi, and the emptiness he felt, longing for a companion even though he was surrounded by all forms of people who loved him. Upon meeting Shams, the unbearable darkness in his heart was chased away for indeed Shams was a light, his other half, his beloved and his companion . Or in other words as Cristina Yang and Meredith Grey says in Grey’s anatomy – i don’t have “my person”.
Your person is someone who would stick by you, even when it rains hell fire. The person that you know would be there for you. The person who you’re allowed to be selfish with because they’d understand and you’d be the same for them. It’s the person you would call to help you hide the body if you ever committed a murder, and they would help you hide the body no questions asked.
It’s the person who you would love and who loves you to the point that you would go against your moral compass for them. It’s the one person who has seen the worst of you, all your darkness and still decided to stick with you regardless of whatever it maybe. I’m not talking about a significant other, your person can be your parent, sibling or even best friend.
You might wonder where my friends and best friends are. My first best friend has her husband and he is her person, my second best friend has her girlfriend and she is her person. The friend I was talking to is his best friend’s person.
People who’ve come close barely experience a drizzle of this hell fire and ultimately run away though I really can’t blame them either, sometimes people who love me stayed close by, but far enough not to get caught up in it.
It is human to seek such companionship however, all the flares I have sent up to the sky hoping to to be rescued has so far gone unanswered and i am still marooned on this island completely and utterly alone.
I stood tall
I took the fall
finding the pieces
that had scattered
Cut myself in the shards
That mostly mattered
At times I held myself together
with just tape and glue
Enduring doesn’t mean stronger
as if you’d have a clue
I have come to realise
at the age of twenty four
No matter how much you take
they’ll give you more
I thought I hit rock bottom
but it’s a bottom less pit
Falling, drowning, breaking
with every hit
Pieces getting smaller
as they shattered
making it harder
to find the ones that scattered
endure I must
how do I put myself together
when I’ve become nothing but dust?
[September 2nd 2017, Twenty fourth birthday]
Should I close my eyes?
No I can’t miss out this moment
My life literally turned upside down as I hurled myself off 21 meter with the rest of my life depending on a mere rope tied to my legs. The fall seems endless but it was over before I could blink or open my mouth to scream. Everything flashed before my eyes in a flash but at the same time it was surreal, mesmerising and slow, as though I was caught in a distortion of space and time.
With the wind knocked out of my lungs, for a moment I forgot what air tasted like. The sound of my heartbeat was deafening as blood rushed to my head. Suspended in the middle, the sky beneath my feet and the lake above my head, swinging back and forth like a pendulum. Among the chaos, perhaps for the first time I tasted hints of what it felt to have peace of mind.