Peace of Mind

5..

Inhale

4..

Exhale

3..

Should I close my eyes?

2..

No I can’t miss out this moment

1..

My life literally turned upside down as I hurled myself off 21 meter with the rest of my life depending on a mere rope tied to my legs. The fall seems endless but it was over before I could blink or open my mouth to scream. Everything flashed before my eyes in a flash but at the same time it was surreal, mesmerising and slow, as though I was caught in a distortion of space and time.

With the wind knocked out of my lungs, for a moment I forgot what air tasted like. The sound of my heartbeat was deafening as blood rushed to my head. Suspended in the middle, the sky beneath my feet and the lake above my head, swinging back and forth like a pendulum. Among the chaos, perhaps for the first time I tasted hints of what it felt to have peace of mind.

 

Mother Mary

I’m trying my best to forgive-

you, who failed to protect me

did you not have any love to give?

I suffered most at your hands you see

 

When I had nobody else in this world,

how could you have been so cold?

They say a mother’s love is worth more than gold

Yet you never even offered your hand to hold

 

You shoved your dreams down my throat

but I was born a fighter so I fought

Only to be punished for he answers I sought

Perhaps it was all for naught

 

They say heaven lays beneath your feet

But hell laid in your mouth and I couldn’t stand the heat

You sewed my mouth shut so I couldn’t speak

At last, I ran, does that make me weak?

 

I guess I shouldn’t complain so much

Count all my blessings instead and such

But I wonder what I’m supposed to do

now that I know, I fear more than I love you

 

But I do love you, I really do

I question it when you say “I love you too”

Oh my dear mother mary

would ever forgive me?

 

 

 

Sail

I’m not a tranquil pond to dip your toes,

I won’t cleanse you off your sins or your woes

I pushed but you pulled with a gentle tug

and all was forgiven, swept under the rug

You still plot and plan to sail into my soul,

darling, the chaos would swallow you whole

All that I’ve held within, you can never comprehend

so let go my darling, let’s not pretend.

52-hertz

 

mde

Half read book collecting dust

movies paused endings unwatched

same old songs shuffle on repeat

wasted efforts left on read

Time seems to be frozen still

my demons continue eating their fill

I see a mountain you see a hill

hear their voices screaming ‘kill kill kill!’

I’m stuck in the middle neither living nor dead

a mere existence, drowning in the deepest depths

Aching for an inexplicable moment I never had

save me before I run out of my final breath

Sober

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Abandoned, sacrificed, trampled, betrayed

Those the fates that awaited if I had stayed

I see that with time the good memories fade

while the bad continues to linger- isn’t it sad

I can never remember the taste of those lips

Just got drunk on the lies between every kiss

They were nothing significant for me to miss

i guess I lead them on to think that I was his

I threw myself down the same rabbit hole

to feel anything other than the nothingness

but it only tainted my naively bare, naked soul

till i was left with nothing but a lost innocence and emptiness

I’ve pushed away till there’s no one left

distant, detached am i stronger yet?

Nothing to gain nor lose any longer

Is this what it means to be completely sober?