Marooned

Processed with VSCOcam with lv01 preset

While talking to a friend last night, I came to realise something. Something so insignificantly significant: An explanation for this emptiness and loneliness I’ve felt for so long.

I remember reading about Jalaluddin Rumi, and the emptiness he felt, longing for a companion even though he was surrounded by all forms of people who loved him. Upon meeting Shams, the unbearable darkness in his heart was chased away for indeed Shams was a light, his other half, his beloved and his companion . Or in other words as Cristina Yang and Meredith Grey says in Grey’s anatomy – i don’t have “my person”.

Your person is someone who would stick by you, even when it rains hell fire. The person that you know would be there for you. The person who you’re allowed to be selfish with because they’d understand and you’d be the same for them. It’s the person you would call to help you hide the body if you ever committed a murder, and they would help you hide the body no questions asked.

It’s the person who you would love and who loves you to the point that you would go against your moral compass for them. It’s the one person who has seen the worst of you, all your darkness and still decided to stick with you regardless of whatever it maybe. I’m not talking about a significant other, your person can be your parent, sibling or even best friend.

You might wonder where my friends and best friends are. My first best friend has her husband and he is her person, my second best friend has her girlfriend and she is her person. The friend I was talking to is his best friend’s person.

People who’ve come close barely experience a drizzle of this hell fire and ultimately run away though I really can’t blame them either, sometimes people who love me stayed close by, but far enough not to get caught up in it.

It is human to seek such companionship however, all the flares I have sent up to the sky hoping to to be rescued has so far gone unanswered and i am still marooned on this island completely and utterly alone.

 

Peace of Mind

5..

Inhale

4..

Exhale

3..

Should I close my eyes?

2..

No I can’t miss out this moment

1..

My life literally turned upside down as I hurled myself off 21 meter with the rest of my life depending on a mere rope tied to my legs. The fall seems endless but it was over before I could blink or open my mouth to scream. Everything flashed before my eyes in a flash but at the same time it was surreal, mesmerising and slow, as though I was caught in a distortion of space and time.

With the wind knocked out of my lungs, for a moment I forgot what air tasted like. The sound of my heartbeat was deafening as blood rushed to my head. Suspended in the middle, the sky beneath my feet and the lake above my head, swinging back and forth like a pendulum. Among the chaos, perhaps for the first time I tasted hints of what it felt to have peace of mind.

 

The unbearableness of being

 

IMG-1462182172831-VI wonder what came over me for me to fly six hours to another country in a heartbeat. Now in my way back I simply cannot put it together.

There’s a fine line between hope and expectations, like the line between excitement and nervousness, sometimes our minds fail to grasp which is which.

My mind, for example cannot tell the difference, I would feel nauseous either way; whether it’s the excitement before a date or the nervousness before an exam.

I believe I fall in love easily, no, I fall in love with the idea of love easily.

I fell in love with man who spends most of his time hidden yet helping the world to be a bit better, I would describe him as all the good in the world (no, he’s far from perfect, for one thing he’s always late) his soul and his very being seems to be full of light.

He is a true gentleman in terms of mannerisms, classy yet simple. We are similar and different at the same time

We both were never anyone’s first choice and people fall for us just by seeing the surface but none can accept what lies in the depths.

I wonder what it would feel like to have his lips against my forehead. Would he ease this restless soul of mine?

I was drawn to his light like a moth, I guess we know what becomes of the moth? He is a light I cannot attain no matter how much i chase it, he is very much like the sun.

The other man I’ve come to love is someone who’s life is constantly under watchful eyes but making an impact in this world.

The darkest corners of his mind fascinates me, his perceived demons seems to compliment mine perfectly, his words resonates within my flesh and bones. His thoughts and mine are the same side of the coin, how we perceive the world and it’s beauty and madness.

We are both constantly looking for something inexplicable while struggling with a haunting loneliness and emptiness. Sometimes I wonder if we held eachother close enough, we would be able to fill each others emptiness; two negatives becoming a positive.

He was like the moon, lighting up my world during the darkest hours. But would a wolf’s howls ever reach the moon?

While the other was a love of lightness of the mind and soul, perhaps like a weightlessness or floating, this love brings forth a hidden darkness. The temptation and the need to feel another’s weight against mine, pushing me down with a heaviness pinning me to the ground, a love of the mind and body.

For the first time (and probably the last) all three of us were close together for three days. However, I spoke to one love, without being able to see him. I saw the other love, without being able to speak to him.

Perhaps Milan Kundera was wrong but it is the lacking of lightness or heaviness that makes being unbearable.

A day in the interactive room

She asked me to describe happiness. I stared blankly at the hand puppets on the shelf; there’s a princess, a prince, a dinosaur and one more. “Feeding stray cats” I thought, but shook my head instead.

“Can you describe depression then?” I could feel her gaze on my clenched fists.

“Have you ever drowned before? I should say almost drowned I guess”

“No…”

Hanging silence.

I tried to figure out the strange hand puppet, is it a bear? maybe a Pokémon?

“It’s like drowning in the depths of the ocean where not even a ray of sunlight passes through. A cold, pitch black darkness. A deafening silence. An inexplicable pain. A never ending loneliness…

My mind constantly screams at me to swim but I’m paralysed; unable to live, unable to die I simply exist in that continuous state of suffering. The world continues to pass me by but I’m stuck, being dragged further down by my own weight…

From time to time tiny lights pass by, like shooting stars in a pitch black sky and I’m momentarily distracted from the pain. I guess those are fleeting moments of happiness…

I’m caught in a war between empathy and apathy; I either feel too much or none at all. I want to live & I want to die…”

I walked over to the shelf and examined the mysterious puppet. It was a moose.

Sonder


Somehow I never seem to have a pen or paper with me when I’m struck with these thoughts, In a matter of seconds the thought is gone. While stuck in a traffic jam I wondered where all these people are headed, like a sudden awareness of my surroundings and these strangers passing by- on with their own life and reality.

Tick a person just passed away. Tock a child was born. I wouldn’t know. The world is rather fascinating at times we are merely particles of stardust  in this perennial universe. Some of us live and disappear without a trace. Some of us manages to leave their mark in this world like Chester Bennington, I remember mentally screaming out the lyrics of ‘In the end’ and ‘Numb’ during my childhood but fact is I never knew his name until today, eventhough they helped me through some tough times. I wish I could have saved him from the hell he was drowning in- I wish I could have helped him. I wish. I wish.

If there is one truth in this world, one certainty, that is death. A wise man once said “we took a loan on death”, yet we dream, we plan, we hope for a future we don’t even know would exist. The next second I could die yet I have a head full of dreams and a heart full of passion.

What would you change if you knew your time was coming to an end? Would you sell off everything you worked so hard to earn and travel? Would you pick up your Bible or Quran and indulge yourself in good deeds? Would you actually start living instead of existing?

I have seven unread books collecting dust on my shelf. I just bought three more. As I  I sit here watching the world pass me by, I’ve realized one thing, humans are most beautiful when they don’t know they’re being watched. Like the lady walking with her granddaughter singing ‘can’t help falling in love’ or the family of four sitting across from me on a bench smiling. They are so beautiful.

I guess once in a while, even a person like me is allowed to enjoy simple moments like this while eating a slice of (dry) nutella cake, sipping an Iced Americano in the company of a great book; The unbearable lightness of being by Milan Kundera.