Marooned

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While talking to a friend last night, I came to realise something. Something so insignificantly significant: An explanation for this emptiness and loneliness I’ve felt for so long.

I remember reading about Jalaluddin Rumi, and the emptiness he felt, longing for a companion even though he was surrounded by all forms of people who loved him. Upon meeting Shams, the unbearable darkness in his heart was chased away for indeed Shams was a light, his other half, his beloved and his companion . Or in other words as Cristina Yang and Meredith Grey says in Grey’s anatomy – i don’t have “my person”.

Your person is someone who would stick by you, even when it rains hell fire. The person that you know would be there for you. The person who you’re allowed to be selfish with because they’d understand and you’d be the same for them. It’s the person you would call to help you hide the body if you ever committed a murder, and they would help you hide the body no questions asked.

It’s the person who you would love and who loves you to the point that you would go against your moral compass for them. It’s the one person who has seen the worst of you, all your darkness and still decided to stick with you regardless of whatever it maybe. I’m not talking about a significant other, your person can be your parent, sibling or even best friend.

You might wonder where my friends and best friends are. My first best friend has her husband and he is her person, my second best friend has her girlfriend and she is her person. The friend I was talking to is his best friend’s person.

People who’ve come close barely experience a drizzle of this hell fire and ultimately run away though I really can’t blame them either, sometimes people who love me stayed close by, but far enough not to get caught up in it.

It is human to seek such companionship however, all the flares I have sent up to the sky hoping to to be rescued has so far gone unanswered and i am still marooned on this island completely and utterly alone.

 

Sail

I’m not a tranquil pond to dip your toes,

I won’t cleanse you off your sins or your woes

I pushed but you pulled with a gentle tug

and all was forgiven, swept under the rug

You still plot and plan to sail into my soul,

darling, the chaos would swallow you whole

All that I’ve held within, you can never comprehend

so let go my darling, let’s not pretend.

Sober

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Abandoned, sacrificed, trampled, betrayed

Those the fates that awaited if I had stayed

I see that with time the good memories fade

while the bad continues to linger- isn’t it sad

I can never remember the taste of those lips

Just got drunk on the lies between every kiss

They were nothing significant for me to miss

i guess I lead them on to think that I was his

I threw myself down the same rabbit hole

to feel anything other than the nothingness

but it only tainted my naively bare, naked soul

till i was left with nothing but a lost innocence and emptiness

I’ve pushed away till there’s no one left

distant, detached am i stronger yet?

Nothing to gain nor lose any longer

Is this what it means to be completely sober?

18:23

 

 

Is it my imagination?
Or have i fallen too deep into desperation?
how long do i have to wait for the next revelation?
“do not hold in your heart, any expectations”

If what’s meant for me will reach me in time
does that make my impatience a crime?
how much sleep will i lose
over what i am about to choose

Oh lord send me a sign
help me see what is and what is not mine
let my prayers ease all his pain
till we find each other and our souls are whole again