While talking to a friend last night, I came to realise something. Something so insignificantly significant: An explanation for this emptiness and loneliness I’ve felt for so long.
I remember reading about Jalaluddin Rumi, and the emptiness he felt, longing for a companion even though he was surrounded by all forms of people who loved him. Upon meeting Shams, the unbearable darkness in his heart was chased away for indeed Shams was a light, his other half, his beloved and his companion . Or in other words as Cristina Yang and Meredith Grey says in Grey’s anatomy – i don’t have “my person”.
Your person is someone who would stick by you, even when it rains hell fire. The person that you know would be there for you. The person who you’re allowed to be selfish with because they’d understand and you’d be the same for them. It’s the person you would call to help you hide the body if you ever committed a murder, and they would help you hide the body no questions asked.
It’s the person who you would love and who loves you to the point that you would go against your moral compass for them. It’s the one person who has seen the worst of you, all your darkness and still decided to stick with you regardless of whatever it maybe. I’m not talking about a significant other, your person can be your parent, sibling or even best friend.
You might wonder where my friends and best friends are. My first best friend has her husband and he is her person, my second best friend has her girlfriend and she is her person. The friend I was talking to is his best friend’s person.
People who’ve come close barely experience a drizzle of this hell fire and ultimately run away though I really can’t blame them either, sometimes people who love me stayed close by, but far enough not to get caught up in it.
It is human to seek such companionship however, all the flares I have sent up to the sky hoping to to be rescued has so far gone unanswered and i am still marooned on this island completely and utterly alone.
Should I close my eyes?
No I can’t miss out this moment
My life literally turned upside down as I hurled myself off 21 meter with the rest of my life depending on a mere rope tied to my legs. The fall seems endless but it was over before I could blink or open my mouth to scream. Everything flashed before my eyes in a flash but at the same time it was surreal, mesmerising and slow, as though I was caught in a distortion of space and time.
With the wind knocked out of my lungs, for a moment I forgot what air tasted like. The sound of my heartbeat was deafening as blood rushed to my head. Suspended in the middle, the sky beneath my feet and the lake above my head, swinging back and forth like a pendulum. Among the chaos, perhaps for the first time I tasted hints of what it felt to have peace of mind.
Words strung together, held a prayer in each letter,
A purple ribbon bound, with hopes that you feel better,
May the lightness, heaviness or pain,
be washed away by this autumn rain.
My existence, is a mistake
moments pass by, in a flash
Would you cry-
if I die
It’s getting harder, just to try
I’m not a tranquil pond to dip your toes,
I won’t cleanse you off your sins or your woes
I pushed but you pulled with a gentle tug
and all was forgiven, swept under the rug
You still plot and plan to sail into my soul,
darling, the chaos would swallow you whole
All that I’ve held within, you can never comprehend
so let go my darling, let’s not pretend.
Half read book collecting dust
movies paused endings unwatched
same old songs shuffle on repeat
wasted efforts left on read
Time seems to be frozen still
my demons continue eating their fill
I see a mountain you see a hill
hear their voices screaming ‘kill kill kill!’
I’m stuck in the middle neither living nor dead
a mere existence, drowning in the deepest depths
Aching for an inexplicable moment I never had
save me before I run out of my final breath
Abandoned, sacrificed, trampled, betrayed
Those the fates that awaited if I had stayed
I see that with time the good memories fade
while the bad continues to linger- isn’t it sad
I can never remember the taste of those lips
Just got drunk on the lies between every kiss
They were nothing significant for me to miss
i guess I lead them on to think that I was his
I threw myself down the same rabbit hole
to feel anything other than the nothingness
but it only tainted my naively bare, naked soul
till i was left with nothing but a lost innocence and emptiness
I’ve pushed away till there’s no one left
distant, detached am i stronger yet?
Nothing to gain nor lose any longer
Is this what it means to be completely sober?